7 Days - 7 States of Mind
One week ago, I was on a plane flying to Las Vegas, NV to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of a dear friend from college. One week ago I lived in a different apartment than the one I'm writing from now. And one week ago, it was Lent, and now it's the Triduum, almost Easter. It's been such a huge week that I can barely believe I'm almost through it and that so much has happened in such a short amount of time. I feel like I need to capture it somehow, so the best I can do is write to try and recollect.
So we'll start at the beginning of the week.
I'm not really a Vegas kind of girl. I own things with sparkles, but I never find occasion to wear them since I stopped doing things on New Years Eve that don't involve pajamas. I don't generally like places where the only thing to do when you get there is to constantly spend more money. Everything about Vegas is the promise of money, the chance of glory, the seduction of glamour, and the brightly-lit distraction from your normal life. I don't gamble all that much because it takes me a pretty long time to earn the money I do get, and I hate giving it to someone without getting some good or service in return. It's the marginal scale of utility in its most basic representation. I don't find a lot of use for the entertainment of gambling whereas many others think its super fun and love it! In many ways I was deadweight in Vegas. Although I did play the penny slots and I won $12 dollars. But, I do like my friends. In fact, I love them. And if they are in a place, even if its Vegas, I know it will be fun and amazing and I want to be with them. So, 4 days before I had to move and without having done a lick of packing, to Vegas I went.
State of mind #1 : PARTY ON
From the moment I touched down, I felt like the city was dictating my mood (24/7 party mode). As soon as I walked into the gigantic hotel we stayed in, I was slammed with clubby pop music, huge video screens and hoards of people. In short, an introvert's worst nightmare. I did get sucked into the excitement a little bit. It's hard not to when everything around you is pushing you in that direction. Neon lights, flashing signs, a sign in the hotel elevator saying "we won't rest until you don't rest". Vegas knows why people visit and that's the carefully created image that each and every hotel, entertainment spot, club and restaurant buy into when they build a presence in Vegas. People don't come here to relax or for an oasis of calm. They come to get wild, lose themselves, break boundaries that exist in their normal lives.
But for one of our merry company who had just gone through a heart-wrenching breakup, it was exactly what the doctor ordered. Upbeat and fun music helps distract from that pain that comes in the wake of removing someone from your life that had a very big place in it. It helps to temporarily fill a very big void, and the toughest thing about breakups is figuring out how to do that in the long term.
State of mind #2: LOSE YOURSELF
Something I noticed while there, even among my friends, was that the excuse "we're in Vegas" was used over and over again. Las Vegas, more than any other vacation destination I have ever encountered, has created such a deeply-entrenched attitude of escapism it's hard not to buy into it. I'm thankful that I have friends with integrity who don't become wholly different people when given the opportunity to escape the normal. Our version of Vegas means eating cupcakes for breakfast and drinking champagne around the clock. It also involves a LOT of pool time. I don't think that means that we're doing Vegas wrong either. It may look different for other people but regardless, when you do the things you want to do in Vegas, you always say you're doing them "because you're in Vegas".
One of my friends made an interesting observation. She said that she could do things in Vegas for herself without feeling plagued by guilt. Again, I was struck by how Vegas - "Sin City", no less - has created a place where people assume it is okay to do things they would never do otherwise. Excess, luxury, danger, spontaneity, and all around extremes. Even if that just means that you feel the freedom to do things for yourself or indulge in things like a massage, or shooting a machine gun, shopping at luxury boutiques (they have no less than 3 Tiffany's Jewelry stores within a one-mile radius)... You can find it all in Las Vegas. And you can find it because everyone comes here looking for something totally outside themselves. Las Vegas promises that they have whatever that is for whoever wants it. They come to Vegas to get away from their normal life and create a new, temporary one, which is not connected or accountable to the one left behind.
State of Mind #3: RELEASE
The one thing I did that was really an escape for me was renting a motorcycle and driving out into the Nevada desert to visit the Valley of Fire and Lake Meade. I'm a pretty new rider, licensed now for less than 2 years and not owning a bike. But I know that that ride will forever be one of the best rides I'll ever take. At multiple points during my 139 miles of winding, scenic desert byways, I would yell WOHOOOO to no one in particular. I could barely hear myself yelling over the noise of a Harley Davidson going 60 in a canyon. But that kind of adventure, a highway with no one on it, a winding road in the sun with a sky that stretches forever above you, wind in your face and hair, sun warming you up and the gentle lean of the bike as you accelerate out of a curvy turn, I'll take that over the thrill of winning big at a roulette table any day of the week.
I need to remember ear plugs next time I ride because the bike engine and wind together create a significant amount of decibels. But when I would stop the bike to get a drink or to take in the scenery, the quiet engulfed me, just like it did in the Sinai desert 10 years ago. The desert is the best for quiet, there's nowhere else that just sucks up the sound and doesn't give anything back. I can't really describe how beautiful it was out there, the drab beige of the landscape punctuated by these brilliant red sandstone formation. These pictures do not do it justice:
State of Mind #4: BATTLE
It turns out that the hotel rooms in Vegas do a great job of soundproofing. It was the only other place I could escape flashing lights, dinging machines and find quiet the entire weekend. Every SINGLE other corner, no matter how far removed, bombarded me with the latest remix from David Guetta or Calvin Harris, not to mention adding 1000 other sounds and about as many people in the mix. My ears and my mind were at war to be able to think at all. Is that Vegas's brilliantly constructed subterfuge? They distract you so much from your own thoughts that you make bad decisions, but then it doesn't matter because "it's Vegas"? Clever girl....
The last full day in Vegas I actually had to leave the pool area because I kept trying to read and I couldn't, for the life of me, comprehend a single sentence in my book. I just had to put it down and give in to the club music. I took a few turns in the lazy river and then had to throw in the towel (literally, I threw my towel into a big bin when I left the pool complex) and head up to my room for a little quiet. The room was dark, cool, and utterly peaceful. I flopped down on the bed and hugged my pillows. Thank you for not lighting up or playing club music, I whispered lovingly to them.
State of Mind #5:RE-ENTRY
There were a lot of things I had heard about Vegas casinos that I didn't think could be true until I got there. Sure enough, the DO pump extra oxygen into the air, you CAN bring your drinks from the gambling tables into the restaurants without question, and there aren't any windows, clocks or way of knowing what time it us unless you provide it yourself. I felt completely disoriented after spending several hours in a casino with my friends before heading to dinner one night. You absolutely do lose time. Vegas is a money-making machine.
Since it was our last night in Vegas I was thinking about going out dancing. But then it got to be midnight and leaving my hotel seemed really hard. Even just going to the hotel next door seemed hard. Because that hotel, the one right next door, required me walking no less than one mile to enter it. That's how big the hotels are. You have to cab to places that are two "blocks" away. So as I realized I didn't have to amp up for clubbing and dancing, I started to relax a little and also turn my thoughts toward the coming days. The super-high energy Vegas life and days by the pool would quickly turn into Holy Week, a big push to finish a project, and, the most daunting of all, moving!
We spent our last few hours in Vegas at the spa at our hotel, soaking in the tub, sitting in the "relaxation room" steaming and sauna-ing. That was a great way to close the trip and it made me forget all that awaited me back in DC.
State of Mind #6: DO
I got home from the airport at 2am on Tuesday morning. I went to work at 8:30, I came home at 5:30 and immediately started moving things to my new apartment. Fortunately, it's right next door to my old apartment. I didn't even have to go outside. I called two friends and we moved everything and cleaned my old apartment in about 5 hours. I was completely exhausted but also hopped up on adrenaline and the urge to clean and organize. Fortunately, my body won that battle and I went to sleep. Since that day, I basically haven't stopped making lists and dreaming of ways to make my new digs beautiful. I've already obtained patio furniture for my new balcony AND have become mildly obsessed with getting an herb planter.
State of Mind #7: BE STILL AND KNOW
And then, coming from the frenetic pace of Tuesday and moving to a new home and trying to settle in, I went straight into Holy Week. A messianic passover seder on Wednesday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Vigil and Easter Sunday and a 50 person potluck. By God's grace, He helped me find calm and peace to enter in to the beautiful narrative that unfolds in remembrance each year. And even led me to some beautiful new poetry and reading from Madeline L'Engle and Benjamin Alire Saenz. I went to a concert after the potluck on Easter with a friend and had a lovely evening with her as well. Fortunately it was a night of calm music, very like Bon Iver, listening to his music is akin to holding a puppy. It just makes you feel good about things.
Though I don't want another week like that one for a looonnnng time, it was amazing, and I'm still alive. I can't remember a week when I felt a wider range of things and felt so dragged all over the map emotionally/physically/spiritually. But I also can't remember feeling more grateful for the blessings of this life, wonderful friends who come out on nights when it's sleeting to help you move, landlords who are breaking their backs to make things nice for you, and most of all, a Savior who died for me... for ME! I have to remember that he died so that I might hope for life, and that this life has been entrusted to me with a sacred purpose, built around serving Him and others. How marvelous, how wonderful!
So we'll start at the beginning of the week.
I'm not really a Vegas kind of girl. I own things with sparkles, but I never find occasion to wear them since I stopped doing things on New Years Eve that don't involve pajamas. I don't generally like places where the only thing to do when you get there is to constantly spend more money. Everything about Vegas is the promise of money, the chance of glory, the seduction of glamour, and the brightly-lit distraction from your normal life. I don't gamble all that much because it takes me a pretty long time to earn the money I do get, and I hate giving it to someone without getting some good or service in return. It's the marginal scale of utility in its most basic representation. I don't find a lot of use for the entertainment of gambling whereas many others think its super fun and love it! In many ways I was deadweight in Vegas. Although I did play the penny slots and I won $12 dollars. But, I do like my friends. In fact, I love them. And if they are in a place, even if its Vegas, I know it will be fun and amazing and I want to be with them. So, 4 days before I had to move and without having done a lick of packing, to Vegas I went.
State of mind #1 : PARTY ON
From the moment I touched down, I felt like the city was dictating my mood (24/7 party mode). As soon as I walked into the gigantic hotel we stayed in, I was slammed with clubby pop music, huge video screens and hoards of people. In short, an introvert's worst nightmare. I did get sucked into the excitement a little bit. It's hard not to when everything around you is pushing you in that direction. Neon lights, flashing signs, a sign in the hotel elevator saying "we won't rest until you don't rest". Vegas knows why people visit and that's the carefully created image that each and every hotel, entertainment spot, club and restaurant buy into when they build a presence in Vegas. People don't come here to relax or for an oasis of calm. They come to get wild, lose themselves, break boundaries that exist in their normal lives.
But for one of our merry company who had just gone through a heart-wrenching breakup, it was exactly what the doctor ordered. Upbeat and fun music helps distract from that pain that comes in the wake of removing someone from your life that had a very big place in it. It helps to temporarily fill a very big void, and the toughest thing about breakups is figuring out how to do that in the long term.
State of mind #2: LOSE YOURSELF
Something I noticed while there, even among my friends, was that the excuse "we're in Vegas" was used over and over again. Las Vegas, more than any other vacation destination I have ever encountered, has created such a deeply-entrenched attitude of escapism it's hard not to buy into it. I'm thankful that I have friends with integrity who don't become wholly different people when given the opportunity to escape the normal. Our version of Vegas means eating cupcakes for breakfast and drinking champagne around the clock. It also involves a LOT of pool time. I don't think that means that we're doing Vegas wrong either. It may look different for other people but regardless, when you do the things you want to do in Vegas, you always say you're doing them "because you're in Vegas".
One of my friends made an interesting observation. She said that she could do things in Vegas for herself without feeling plagued by guilt. Again, I was struck by how Vegas - "Sin City", no less - has created a place where people assume it is okay to do things they would never do otherwise. Excess, luxury, danger, spontaneity, and all around extremes. Even if that just means that you feel the freedom to do things for yourself or indulge in things like a massage, or shooting a machine gun, shopping at luxury boutiques (they have no less than 3 Tiffany's Jewelry stores within a one-mile radius)... You can find it all in Las Vegas. And you can find it because everyone comes here looking for something totally outside themselves. Las Vegas promises that they have whatever that is for whoever wants it. They come to Vegas to get away from their normal life and create a new, temporary one, which is not connected or accountable to the one left behind.
State of Mind #3: RELEASE
The one thing I did that was really an escape for me was renting a motorcycle and driving out into the Nevada desert to visit the Valley of Fire and Lake Meade. I'm a pretty new rider, licensed now for less than 2 years and not owning a bike. But I know that that ride will forever be one of the best rides I'll ever take. At multiple points during my 139 miles of winding, scenic desert byways, I would yell WOHOOOO to no one in particular. I could barely hear myself yelling over the noise of a Harley Davidson going 60 in a canyon. But that kind of adventure, a highway with no one on it, a winding road in the sun with a sky that stretches forever above you, wind in your face and hair, sun warming you up and the gentle lean of the bike as you accelerate out of a curvy turn, I'll take that over the thrill of winning big at a roulette table any day of the week.
I need to remember ear plugs next time I ride because the bike engine and wind together create a significant amount of decibels. But when I would stop the bike to get a drink or to take in the scenery, the quiet engulfed me, just like it did in the Sinai desert 10 years ago. The desert is the best for quiet, there's nowhere else that just sucks up the sound and doesn't give anything back. I can't really describe how beautiful it was out there, the drab beige of the landscape punctuated by these brilliant red sandstone formation. These pictures do not do it justice:
State of Mind #4: BATTLE
It turns out that the hotel rooms in Vegas do a great job of soundproofing. It was the only other place I could escape flashing lights, dinging machines and find quiet the entire weekend. Every SINGLE other corner, no matter how far removed, bombarded me with the latest remix from David Guetta or Calvin Harris, not to mention adding 1000 other sounds and about as many people in the mix. My ears and my mind were at war to be able to think at all. Is that Vegas's brilliantly constructed subterfuge? They distract you so much from your own thoughts that you make bad decisions, but then it doesn't matter because "it's Vegas"? Clever girl....
The last full day in Vegas I actually had to leave the pool area because I kept trying to read and I couldn't, for the life of me, comprehend a single sentence in my book. I just had to put it down and give in to the club music. I took a few turns in the lazy river and then had to throw in the towel (literally, I threw my towel into a big bin when I left the pool complex) and head up to my room for a little quiet. The room was dark, cool, and utterly peaceful. I flopped down on the bed and hugged my pillows. Thank you for not lighting up or playing club music, I whispered lovingly to them.
State of Mind #5:RE-ENTRY
There were a lot of things I had heard about Vegas casinos that I didn't think could be true until I got there. Sure enough, the DO pump extra oxygen into the air, you CAN bring your drinks from the gambling tables into the restaurants without question, and there aren't any windows, clocks or way of knowing what time it us unless you provide it yourself. I felt completely disoriented after spending several hours in a casino with my friends before heading to dinner one night. You absolutely do lose time. Vegas is a money-making machine.
Since it was our last night in Vegas I was thinking about going out dancing. But then it got to be midnight and leaving my hotel seemed really hard. Even just going to the hotel next door seemed hard. Because that hotel, the one right next door, required me walking no less than one mile to enter it. That's how big the hotels are. You have to cab to places that are two "blocks" away. So as I realized I didn't have to amp up for clubbing and dancing, I started to relax a little and also turn my thoughts toward the coming days. The super-high energy Vegas life and days by the pool would quickly turn into Holy Week, a big push to finish a project, and, the most daunting of all, moving!
We spent our last few hours in Vegas at the spa at our hotel, soaking in the tub, sitting in the "relaxation room" steaming and sauna-ing. That was a great way to close the trip and it made me forget all that awaited me back in DC.
State of Mind #6: DO
I got home from the airport at 2am on Tuesday morning. I went to work at 8:30, I came home at 5:30 and immediately started moving things to my new apartment. Fortunately, it's right next door to my old apartment. I didn't even have to go outside. I called two friends and we moved everything and cleaned my old apartment in about 5 hours. I was completely exhausted but also hopped up on adrenaline and the urge to clean and organize. Fortunately, my body won that battle and I went to sleep. Since that day, I basically haven't stopped making lists and dreaming of ways to make my new digs beautiful. I've already obtained patio furniture for my new balcony AND have become mildly obsessed with getting an herb planter.
State of Mind #7: BE STILL AND KNOW
And then, coming from the frenetic pace of Tuesday and moving to a new home and trying to settle in, I went straight into Holy Week. A messianic passover seder on Wednesday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Vigil and Easter Sunday and a 50 person potluck. By God's grace, He helped me find calm and peace to enter in to the beautiful narrative that unfolds in remembrance each year. And even led me to some beautiful new poetry and reading from Madeline L'Engle and Benjamin Alire Saenz. I went to a concert after the potluck on Easter with a friend and had a lovely evening with her as well. Fortunately it was a night of calm music, very like Bon Iver, listening to his music is akin to holding a puppy. It just makes you feel good about things.
Though I don't want another week like that one for a looonnnng time, it was amazing, and I'm still alive. I can't remember a week when I felt a wider range of things and felt so dragged all over the map emotionally/physically/spiritually. But I also can't remember feeling more grateful for the blessings of this life, wonderful friends who come out on nights when it's sleeting to help you move, landlords who are breaking their backs to make things nice for you, and most of all, a Savior who died for me... for ME! I have to remember that he died so that I might hope for life, and that this life has been entrusted to me with a sacred purpose, built around serving Him and others. How marvelous, how wonderful!
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